Doing better

 Something so non-existant affected me so greatly. What the heck is wrong with me! I am doing better. Recovering, one step at a time. Guarding my heart/mind so hard.

ok I had a mental breakdown

 I am not sure what happened. Just felt a wave of heartbreak. Guess I am not ok right now. 

Praying that God will help me fix me. 

Thoughts and Actions 1

Things I did today that I am proud of:

• Woke up at 5 am as planned. Went walking with the new friend, and made plans to start training for another 5k from next week. Loved the beautiful sunrise!
• Drank water, ate healthy, was nice to my family. No adis, no pinches, no yelling.
• Did not rush through anything, including some tasks at work! 

Things I need to do:

• School and homework
• Thoughts: I think I am very worked up in my head about this class. I think I need to take it easy, stop being so stressed about something new and different. 

Things I look forward to doing later today and tomorrow:

• Park with kids and 2 friends
• Tomorrow, I am running with another mom friend after we drop our kids in school! I blocked time out of my work calendar to make this happen. 
• My kids sleeping over at ammachis house tomorrow. I really want to go watch a movie, but I have some homework to finish. 

Misc. thoughts about overcoming my mental battle: I do feel more logical now. It's crazy how there are 2 different people inside my head. There's the me that's upset about even experiencing this thought in my head and what it means for all the reality of my life. Then there's the me, that wallows and wants to be held and comforted. I enjoy psychoanalyzing myself. The fact that I experienced this simply means that I long for connection. I guess, I long for someone to save me. Feminist, Christian me is disappointed with myself. But feminist, christian me is also able to forgive myself, recognize I am human. 

I also know that I need to be prepared for a time when I will not be logical. I am quite often ruled by my emotions and my instincts, and this is worse when I feel unloved or unworthy or am sick or sleep deprived or stressed. I need to ensure that I exercise, eat healthy, get enough sleep, meditate, and mentally prepare  for the next time I go into this battle/la-la land. I know it's NOT not going to happen. It is going to happen again, because my heart is stupid. But when it happens, I will acknowledge it, be aware of it, ride it out, cry in my silence if I have to but I will overcome it. I look forward to a day when this isn't even on my mind anymore. Just like the last time, over a decade ago, when something way more concrete completely destroyed me. This time, I am in a much better place, I am no longer poor, in survival mode, without resources. This time, I have everything I ever prayed for and worked for. This time, I experienced peace, and being content. I experience true love, and recognize immaturity, have a practice of prayer and meditation, feel more confident about my future (sometimes). I am and will be okay. 

Thinking out loud.

 

I am feeling better right now. 

I didn't actually do things as planned. Here are some things that I did do.

1. Cleaned out my attic work space. I had a printer and a monitor that I had kept to the side that I have been requesting my husband to help me throw out. Well, 2 years later, it's still here- and it's not his fault. I had a realization that I could just get it done. I took it to the old apartment building that we lived in when we first got married and threw it away in the garbage there. I then came back and really cleaned up the space. This will help me have a clear mind.

2. I have been eating pretty healthy for like the last 10 weeks, but last week, with my birthday, things were not as healthy. Today, with my mood swings, I was not down for a salad. So I got comfort food. I got some chole bhatture. It is what my mom used to make us a long time ago and I miss it, so it is my go-to Indian comfort food sometimes. I did not eat all of it though, when the kids got back from school, it became their dinner. 

3. Something that I am not proud of. My friends got me a bottle of frangelico for my birthday. I poured it over some ice and got a little poose. I realized I was so tired and then got in bed, heard the rain fall outside, closed my curtains, and took a nap. I have not had alcohol in a while, but this felt a little warranted today. I woke up feeling better.

4. Finished up my work, went to pick up my daughter from school and took her to an after-school activity. Listened to some music. Music has become so triggering to listen to now. But luckily, someone on the community group chat messaged me, and said she would be down to run with me from tomorrow. So I am just so excited to make a new friend, and go running. See, I told you, pain is transformational. The last painful event got me to weight lift and  run my fastest 5k in the last decade. This one got me running with a new friend. I needed this bad thing to happen to me.

5. Lastly, God sent me the reminder that despite the disconnect and the loneliness, I am loved and cared for. In my sadness and feelings of unworthiness yesterday, I got into an argument with my husband and we didn't talk this morning. I did text him an apology today. He sent me some funny gif that I honestly did not understand. Then when I got back today, I got a delivery of chocolate covered strawberries and a note from "my not so secret admirer, the one I don't like". Well, this made me feel very bad, but it's a reminder that I need to keep working on eliminating this sadness. 

I think I will take a break from church. But then I feel bad, am I abandoning God? Am I abandoning my family, my kids, my Sunday school class, the lady and her son that I occasionally give rides to? All because I want to escape this mental torment I am in. Honestly, I need to be selfish here. I would really like to take the time to go to the gym, or take a pickleball lesson, or swim lessons and have some alone time. But church is also my meditation. It's where I usually see my current favorite people. I don't think I am eliminating church. That cannot be the answer, not right now. 

Maybe it isn't church. It's actually Spotify. Spotify is my behavioral trigger. I am so addicted to Spotify because work doesn't need me to work with other people. It is what fills the silence of my days. I am afraid of making a playlist now without feeling like I am making it for someone to see it. I want to keep it all private, but I also use it to share music with my friends. I considered deleting it again but that is not going to happen. 

Maybe it's my job. I think I need a job where I go in. But this job is actually what I wanted to do for a very long time. I am learning so much, it's challenging. So I am not sure. 

I think, once again, that I need to just be real with myself. Just be honest that this is how I feel, but I want to overcome it. On most logical days I feel ok. But when I am alone, or when I am stressed or sleep deprived, this distraction feels good. It feels comforting. It gives me some kind of false sense of comfort, an escape from the reality of the overwhelm that Im in.

Maybe it is the overwhelm. I think it will be better when I am done with school. Less time in front of the computer, more time doing something else with other people and not alone with myself. 

But here is the plan.  Tomorrow:  

1. I will wake up early, at like 5 am. Then I will meditate and go running with this new friend. 

2. Drink my coffee, eat my protein-veggie breakfast.

3. Morning feeding/getting ready/drop off

4. Focus at work when I get back.

5. Make some time for school: Work on 2 hw assignments

6. Eat a healthy lunch (salad with chicken)

7. Go to the park with the kids and my 2 friends 

8. Eat a healthy dinner (Fish, rice and veggies)

9. Read a book, and not be on my phone before I go to bed. 

10. Journal gratitude for life. 

I am going to find a grounding routine to not wallow. And actually, I am not going to skip church. I am going to go to church earlier, pray more. I am going to accept my feelings, understand my reality, and continue to send transcendent love into this world. Which means, I am not going to hate. I am going to genuinely smile through this, and thank God, for allowing me to transform into a stronger person.

Grief and heartbreak

 I am experiencing grief and heartbreak about something I cannot even describe in words. 

I feel like I am 19 again. 

This time there is no one to talk about it with. 

However, this time, I know better. I know the following:

1. Time will heal.

2. I can institute processes to prevent myself from having bad habits.

Despite knowing, I can't say the overall pain is felt any less. 

I let myself lose myself. I got addicted. I was cracked and I let in the wrong light. 

It makes me want to be super nice and loving and caring to the people in my life- so I find myself telling everyone how much I love them. At the same time, it makes me feel like I am in so much pain, I feel irritable with everyone. 

I recognize this. I know what to do. Focus on my goals. Focus on meditating. Focus on praying. Show others love. Treat others better than I was treated. Take care of myself. 

This is a non linear process, but it has a linear trend. 

One moment, I am desperate, back at it, trying to find it again, looking for the drug that makes me feel good, wanted, beautiful. 

Next moment, I am wondering what is wrong with me, this was such a mirage, how could I not be more logical? 

Add to this some sleep deprivation and a class that feels hard. Add to this parenting and work. Add to this dealing with loneliness and disconnect.

Sometimes, I am transcendent and I recognize that this is actually life. To experience pain is to experience life. This is a punctuation. This is a descriptor. 

I'll make small steps in progress.

1. I'll clean out my attic today. 

2. I'll eat enough protein. Maybe 60 grams.

3. I'll be fully present at work 

4. Work on my homework for my class. 

I will continue journaling. I will continue to pray for love in my heart, for wisdom in my mind, and for peace in my soul. 

Injuries are awesome

In the fall of 2023, I was a complete wreck. Between work, MBA classes, mental issues about feeling incompetent in my personal life, and other additional factors, I just found myself wasting away, stress eating, being so emotional, barely moving, barely sleeping- basically, in survival mode. 

I knew that I needed 2024 to be different. I was working really hard to not be distracted. I did EVERYTHING I could to not be distracted. But then there I was, distracted. 

So when my neighbor asked me if I want to go to a strength training/conditioning (a little bit like CrossFit) gym, I wanted to go, but the only time I could do it was at 5 am. 

So I started going, and I really loved weight lifting. I know that there is a lot of science that shows that it is important for women to do strength training (improves bone density, reduces risk of diabetes due to decreased insulin resistance) . I also know that somehow, some people think it's not good for women to do it. So there I was, feeling good breaking barriers. 

I also loved waking up at 5 am and doing something so difficult. The rest of the day just felt so awesome, I FELT SO GOOD. So I kept pushing myself to do it so good, tried to keep up with my friend who is way more fit than me.

Unfortunately, this resulted in me getting an elbow injury and a little but of a shoulder injury. It is so painful! Sadly I have had to pause my weight lifting routine. 

But 2 good things came out of this. 

1. Injury made me appreciate my hands without injury. The little things I can do without being in pain. I miss being pain-free. I will be thankful for the day this pain goes away.

2. I realized how much I do love strength training. I can't wait to go back to it, and do it slowly, and give it all my love. I'm not going to push it. I am going to savor the opportunity to be awake at 5 am, taking care of my body, moving, pushing, pulling. 

I am thankful for the bad things that happened to me. God bless the injury and the pain and the heartbreak and the sorrow and the suffering. 

Writing is so cathartic

Ever since I got the iphone, i never sit in front of a laptop and do work except for work. I recently had to start using my personal laptop for other reasons. This lead to me writing again.

I had been feeling particularly unusual for a few months now when I think about the past. But writing really brought a sense of release to me. Things seem clearer after you put them into words.

One topic I like discussing a lot is growth and progression. Some days, in some areas of life, I feel that I got the hang of growth and progression. Some days, in some areas, I think I am stuck in the same habits I had as an 18 year old. I hope that I will keep a growth mindset always, and that maybe when I am 40 I will have shaken off some of the things I feel stuck in.

An interesting fact I have noticed is that I feel rather put together in my professional life. I wish I could do the same in my personal life. I wish I was always fashionable, always skinny, always eating home cooked meals, always being fully present with my daughter, always being sweet to my husband, always being a wonderful daughter to my parents, always checking things off my to-do list.

Making a prioritized to-do list is easier at work than it is in real life. Over the years, I have bought a variety of notebooks and attempted different apps but none of them really stuck. But nothing is out of reach. All habits can be changed. I am going to re-attempt this. I will hope to post on progress over here.

Another statement I would like to make is that I want to be better at cutting myself some slack. I have a lot going on right now - full time, highly engaging work , toddler mom life, part time school.

I have had a lot on my plate, granted I placed them on my own plate. Sometimes I wonder if I take on so much simply because I feel a void in my life. This thought goes away quite quickly because I am reminded that all this is exactly what I wanted at this point of my life. I feel passionate about the things I took on - Being in an engaged role, being a mom, being a student etc. I should be grateful for these things and ever burdened.

I look forward to finishing school, to watching my baby girl growing up and relishing every moment with her, and to my job becoming less stressful. I think in the interim, I should focus on putting my personal life together a little better, take care of myself a little better, appreciate my people a little better.

This is going to be unexpected.

 

Once every three years, I feel sad.

I think its fairly healthy to feel sad once every three years. Sadness is usually triggered by a memory of the past.

The last place that I come to at the end of the sadness is a recognition that the path has been tough but I am in a better place with people that are a better fit.

This time the sadness was triggered by seeing pictures of myself from Chennai, India. I think I was the most innocent then. I was an adolescent and I had friends. Moving to America was an adventure, fun quite often, certainly for the overall better, but with it came a certain trauma that does not ever go away.

I am reminded of the time when everything was just expensive, when my parents didn’t have a car, when we didn’t live in a nice neighborhood. All of it was ok then, it never felt shabby at the time. I remember a time when I was paid $5.00 an hour to work at the dollar store. I remember coming home and giving my parents the money.

As a parent myself now, I cannot imagine how stressful it was for my parents then. My dad was certainly depressed about being unemployed. Having a depressed parent affected me greatly but he is a happy man today and I am a happy woman today.

The most difficult part was trying to fit in. I was an adolescent who really wanted to fit in but I was no where close to ever fitting in with anyone in school- how could I have been? ! I was just as different from everyone as possible. I grew up in a place as different as possible from everyone around me.

My husband grew up in the same town all his life. He told me he was allowed to go out to eat lunch during high school.

Union High school did not allow that. I remember the first few months when i had to go eat in the cafeteria. Looking back – that was so stressful. Having no friends to eat in the cafeteria was rough. I remember sitting by myself at a table with kids I did not know the first few times.

I remember staring at the cool kids table and wishing I was there.

Friends were made, albeit slowly and awkwardly. I am grateful for the friends I made. I don’t think I was too nice to many of them over the years. I know they all struggled with growing up in a very awkward phase of life in a new country.

I came here in May 2004. May 12, 2004. (May 12 is my Husband’s birthday, he jokes that our coming to America day was the same)

I celebrate May 12 every year as the day my life changed forever.

There was one person who caught my eye, he was quiet. I heard he was smart. He played soccer.

I don’t remember the first time I got his AIM SN. But I remember talking to him on AIM. I asked about SATs. He was a year older than me in school. I heard he had a 730 on his SAT math. I was impressed and I asked a lot of questions to him.

I started seeing him in high school, in the hall ways. We said hi. We had a class right next to each other right before lunch. I remember the first time I said hi, the next time, I waited for him to come out of his class room. I think he was surprised I waited for him.

We talked on AIM. We played outside, in the park. I discussed taking SATs, I discussed AP chemistry. We blogged. Well, I blogged a lot, and then my friends started blogging too.

I was 15. I was crushing. I commented on his blog.

He occasionally commented on mine.

I don’t remember the first time we confessed we liked each other.

I think it happened on AIM.

I remember taking a trip to central park and watch Mama Mia on my 16th birthday with my ESL group. He came too.

I remember there being chemistry.

I think he knew he was going to Rutgers by this time.

I remember he would sit across from me in the cafeteria. Looking at each other from across the table was literally the best feeling in the world.

Our friends did not know.

It was innocent.

I went to the Bronx Zoo with him. My honors chemistry teacher, his AP chemistry teacher Ms. Broyer took us. I think we sat next to each other on the bus. I remember my hands being held. I loved the zoo. I was awkward around his friends, seniors in high school. Maybe he did not like that.

I am not sure what happened after that. He graduated high school. Got too cool for me. He went off to his summer program at Rutgers and then started classes in the fall. We didn’t talk much. I think things ended there.

I think I was heart broken my senior year, but I was busy myself. I had heard from him that pharmacists make a lot of money and that it was hard to get into pharmacy school.

I think this was about the extent of research I did into a profession that I went to 6 years of college for. I applied to pharmacy school at Rutgers University.

I did well in my SATs. Well enough for someone who had no idea what SATs were 6 months prior to taking them. Someone who never took a prep class. I got into Rutgers pharmacy, made the decision to go, without ever having been to Rutgers prior to that.

High school ended. I worked at the dollar store. I played with my friends. I think I started seeing him again that summer. I don’t remember when we started dating again, but we did. I remember there being a movie theatre in the city. We were talking on AIM again. It felt simple and pure. It felt good to be liked, it felt good to be loved. I was a broken person who found love.

I remember a Jose uncle who lead a prayer group. I remember an incident where his son figured out that me and this boy liked each other and said it out loud to everyone in the group.

My freshman year of college started. We were going strong, until we weren’t. My friends were his friends. Everyone in college knew we were dating.

I remember the break ups. We broke up a few times. It felt silly to break up. It felt silly to be together. Things were bad my sophomore year. I remember walking in the cold around campus thinking the cold was easier than the heart break.

I was taking organic chemistry the fall semester and barely passing.

I saw him with his friends quite often. Once during finals I saw him in the library with his friends.  I sat next to him and told him I missed him.

I found out later he was dating one of the friends he was sitting with that day. I was devastated. I was crying all the time. My friends did not know how to console me. I was heart broken. I lost the person I gave my whole heart to at such a young age. This was Fall 2007.

It got better with ice cream, girlfriends and comedy. It got better, but I was broken for so long. I moved on to new friends. But it always came back. The break up took me at least three years to fully recover from and be in a healthier state of mind.

I just wanted to be better than the sadness and the sense of loss. I appreciated my friendships. I found new people who took my mind to new heights through conversations and laughter and memories.

I genuinely grew as a person. I genuinely made and kept friends.

I lost some friends.

 I had some new heartbreak. In the fall of 2010, I told a new boy I liked him, but never had a chance haha. He said he did not feel the same way for me. It was a little awkward and difficult but it was okay. I think I was courageous and knew going in that I might not get the response I hoped to get. I was crushing, and wanted to know if I could ever be seen as more than a friend. My feelings came in the way of our friendship. Once I said it, and he said no, I felt no anger. I was able to maintain friendship and eventually it ended because I don’t know why.

Right after this, in January 2011, I met someone new. My best friend and roommate at the time thought I needed a boyfriend. i came back from the event where I met him and told her about him. She added him as my friend on facebook. I was openly mad at her but I was secretly grateful.

He sent me a message on facebook. We started talking. He was different from everything I knew. He was not the kind of person I thought I would end up with. He was nice to me. He was funny, his humor stood out the most.

We started dating in April 2011.

I kept walls, old fears arouse sometimes that I was going to experience heart break again. But he stood by me through time. We are opposites. I am a brash mess of a woman. He is put together and calm. I don’t think I will ever fully understand his upbringing and I don’t think he will ever fully understand mine because we are as different as we could be but we respect each other.

I graduated college.

Worked in hospital pharmacy for the most part. Got married in 2015. Had my daughter in 2018. Celebrated my 5 year anniversary in 2020. I now have a mother in law and a father in law and a sister in law and a brother in law. My sister got married and I now have another brother in law.

Life feels more mature now. I cant believe all these things have happened and I have simply come so far.

I know Chennai felt like the best time of my life. It possibly was, but this journey has been a blessing. I am grateful everyday for my daughter. I am grateful to be less broken now.

The memory of the past when I dwell in it is painful. I wished I never gave my heart away at that young age. I am grateful I had friends to go through it with. I fear my daughter will experience such things but know in my heart I will do my best to be there for her.

I think innocent love is so beautiful but so dangerous. It affects young minds and changes lives forever. I am not left with negative feelings for anyone but I do wish things happened differently. Here is an interesting study to be left with: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/09/190906134007.htm

This study shows that teenagers who don’t date have less depression and are better adjusted.

I think I completely agree with this and understand why.

<3

 

 

 

Hola

I like thinking about the past. I do not keep in touch with too many people from the past, but for the most part, I only remember the good times.

I have learned to be happy without thinking much about how happy I am. This is the best thing about growing up.

I look forward to being home, laughing at my husband’s jokes. I forget what it is like to be uncomfortable in my own skin.

I continue to like talking to new people. I like the friends I have. I enjoy sharing meals with my friends.

I will be honest, some things from the past make me cringe. I wonder if I could have behaved better. Behave – it is the kind of word parents use to talk about their children.

I think I always picked favorites in a group of people. I have greatly enjoyed deep, engaging conversation with some people.

Life has gotten progressively better for me, not to say it hasn’t been without its fair share of challenges and learning curves. I am grateful for my family. I look forward to the future.

I decided to re-write here because I used to pour my heart out here in the most abstract ways possible.

There was a point for a long time when someone showed me how vain I was, writing in my Blog about my abstract, random thoughts. I always knew I did not matter in this big world, but I enjoyed writing. I enjoyed hiding messages in my paragraphs that I could not say directly to people.

At the end of the day, I think I faced up to my feelings and thoughts and I was not a coward about it.

I sometimes worry that my spontaneous, erratic nature will affect my current relationships. I fear loss, caused by myself. I fear being uncool. I fear dressing poorly. I fear getting fat. I fear my accent will show.

But the best thing I have learned to do is to be as authentic and honest as possible while being genuinely curious. I still find the nicest people in the crowd to talk to. I am still able to connect with others on the most human level possible. I am loved by my husband for who I am. I feel comfortable with my accent. I am able to be nicer than people were to me.

There were a lot of people from the past whose company I enjoyed. I have had many relationships that went sour, but oddly enough, I want to keep in touch with people from the past. I still enjoy the occasional conversation. We could never be the same again, but I can say it has made me cry to talk to people from the past. I cannot dislike you or use the word hate about our past lives. All I can say is that I learned a lot about myself from the sourness of it all. I am able to be a better wife, daughter and friend. I hope I have had a positive effect on your life as well.

For my person

Keep my feet on the ground:
It is so easy to be swept away, by words that couldn’t be said more perfectly. I want to be cynical and maybe you’ll call me a pessimist. But I was called an optimist once, and I was going with the flow of life but I found myself lost and my feet were suddenly no longer on the ground. Do you know how scary it is to have been living life on the edge and suddenly finding myself falling off the edge of a very steep cliff?
Of all the people, in all the places, of all the time that has past and all that is to come, its you that’s here, now, in this place, in this moment, in this space. You have made me laugh and feel more alive than I usual. I can keep it real, I can show you who I am - what makes me smile, what makes me cry. You’ll know my buttons and maybe I’ll know yours and we’ll know which ones to push at the right times.
There is a man named Darwin I love who explains the world to me, he explains my feelings and their primitivity. But I now dislike this man, for diminishing my emotions to mere instinct I refuse to reduce my feelings. I refuse to be afraid of hurt; it’s that knife that chisels the right edges of a sculpture.
Maybe I can really care, maybe I can improve your life, maybe I can make you laugh, extend your lifespan, and maybe you can teach me and I you. Maybe you’ll mean enough that your words will hurt and I’ll cry. But maybe you’ll mean enough that it will be okay. And forgiveness would be easy and we’ll make these mistakes and learn to be good to each other. Maybe we can make something meaningful out of our lives and maybe we can take this gift and share it. Maybe we can make other people laugh. Maybe we’ll help and change or maybe we’ll just be good flawed human beings in each other’s lives?