Hola

I like thinking about the past. I do not keep in touch with too many people from the past, but for the most part, I only remember the good times.

I have learned to be happy without thinking much about how happy I am. This is the best thing about growing up.

I look forward to being home, laughing at my husband’s jokes. I forget what it is like to be uncomfortable in my own skin.

I continue to like talking to new people. I like the friends I have. I enjoy sharing meals with my friends.

I will be honest, some things from the past make me cringe. I wonder if I could have behaved better. Behave – it is the kind of word parents use to talk about their children.

I think I always picked favorites in a group of people. I have greatly enjoyed deep, engaging conversation with some people.

Life has gotten progressively better for me, not to say it hasn’t been without its fair share of challenges and learning curves. I am grateful for my family. I look forward to the future.

I decided to re-write here because I used to pour my heart out here in the most abstract ways possible.

There was a point for a long time when someone showed me how vain I was, writing in my Blog about my abstract, random thoughts. I always knew I did not matter in this big world, but I enjoyed writing. I enjoyed hiding messages in my paragraphs that I could not say directly to people.

At the end of the day, I think I faced up to my feelings and thoughts and I was not a coward about it.

I sometimes worry that my spontaneous, erratic nature will affect my current relationships. I fear loss, caused by myself. I fear being uncool. I fear dressing poorly. I fear getting fat. I fear my accent will show.

But the best thing I have learned to do is to be as authentic and honest as possible while being genuinely curious. I still find the nicest people in the crowd to talk to. I am still able to connect with others on the most human level possible. I am loved by my husband for who I am. I feel comfortable with my accent. I am able to be nicer than people were to me.

There were a lot of people from the past whose company I enjoyed. I have had many relationships that went sour, but oddly enough, I want to keep in touch with people from the past. I still enjoy the occasional conversation. We could never be the same again, but I can say it has made me cry to talk to people from the past. I cannot dislike you or use the word hate about our past lives. All I can say is that I learned a lot about myself from the sourness of it all. I am able to be a better wife, daughter and friend. I hope I have had a positive effect on your life as well.

For my person

Keep my feet on the ground:
It is so easy to be swept away, by words that couldn’t be said more perfectly. I want to be cynical and maybe you’ll call me a pessimist. But I was called an optimist once, and I was going with the flow of life but I found myself lost and my feet were suddenly no longer on the ground. Do you know how scary it is to have been living life on the edge and suddenly finding myself falling off the edge of a very steep cliff?
Of all the people, in all the places, of all the time that has past and all that is to come, its you that’s here, now, in this place, in this moment, in this space. You have made me laugh and feel more alive than I usual. I can keep it real, I can show you who I am - what makes me smile, what makes me cry. You’ll know my buttons and maybe I’ll know yours and we’ll know which ones to push at the right times.
There is a man named Darwin I love who explains the world to me, he explains my feelings and their primitivity. But I now dislike this man, for diminishing my emotions to mere instinct I refuse to reduce my feelings. I refuse to be afraid of hurt; it’s that knife that chisels the right edges of a sculpture.
Maybe I can really care, maybe I can improve your life, maybe I can make you laugh, extend your lifespan, and maybe you can teach me and I you. Maybe you’ll mean enough that your words will hurt and I’ll cry. But maybe you’ll mean enough that it will be okay. And forgiveness would be easy and we’ll make these mistakes and learn to be good to each other. Maybe we can make something meaningful out of our lives and maybe we can take this gift and share it. Maybe we can make other people laugh. Maybe we’ll help and change or maybe we’ll just be good flawed human beings in each other’s lives?