Writing is so cathartic

Ever since I got the iphone, i never sit in front of a laptop and do work except for work. I recently had to start using my personal laptop for other reasons. This lead to me writing again.

I had been feeling particularly unusual for a few months now when I think about the past. But writing really brought a sense of release to me. Things seem clearer after you put them into words.

One topic I like discussing a lot is growth and progression. Some days, in some areas of life, I feel that I got the hang of growth and progression. Some days, in some areas, I think I am stuck in the same habits I had as an 18 year old. I hope that I will keep a growth mindset always, and that maybe when I am 40 I will have shaken off some of the things I feel stuck in.

An interesting fact I have noticed is that I feel rather put together in my professional life. I wish I could do the same in my personal life. I wish I was always fashionable, always skinny, always eating home cooked meals, always being fully present with my daughter, always being sweet to my husband, always being a wonderful daughter to my parents, always checking things off my to-do list.

Making a prioritized to-do list is easier at work than it is in real life. Over the years, I have bought a variety of notebooks and attempted different apps but none of them really stuck. But nothing is out of reach. All habits can be changed. I am going to re-attempt this. I will hope to post on progress over here.

Another statement I would like to make is that I want to be better at cutting myself some slack. I have a lot going on right now - full time, highly engaging work , toddler mom life, part time school.

I have had a lot on my plate, granted I placed them on my own plate. Sometimes I wonder if I take on so much simply because I feel a void in my life. This thought goes away quite quickly because I am reminded that all this is exactly what I wanted at this point of my life. I feel passionate about the things I took on - Being in an engaged role, being a mom, being a student etc. I should be grateful for these things and ever burdened.

I look forward to finishing school, to watching my baby girl growing up and relishing every moment with her, and to my job becoming less stressful. I think in the interim, I should focus on putting my personal life together a little better, take care of myself a little better, appreciate my people a little better.

This is going to be unexpected.

 

Once every three years, I feel sad.

I think its fairly healthy to feel sad once every three years. Sadness is usually triggered by a memory of the past.

The last place that I come to at the end of the sadness is a recognition that the path has been tough but I am in a better place with people that are a better fit.

This time the sadness was triggered by seeing pictures of myself from Chennai, India. I think I was the most innocent then. I was an adolescent and I had friends. Moving to America was an adventure, fun quite often, certainly for the overall better, but with it came a certain trauma that does not ever go away.

I am reminded of the time when everything was just expensive, when my parents didn’t have a car, when we didn’t live in a nice neighborhood. All of it was ok then, it never felt shabby at the time. I remember a time when I was paid $5.00 an hour to work at the dollar store. I remember coming home and giving my parents the money.

As a parent myself now, I cannot imagine how stressful it was for my parents then. My dad was certainly depressed about being unemployed. Having a depressed parent affected me greatly but he is a happy man today and I am a happy woman today.

The most difficult part was trying to fit in. I was an adolescent who really wanted to fit in but I was no where close to ever fitting in with anyone in school- how could I have been? ! I was just as different from everyone as possible. I grew up in a place as different as possible from everyone around me.

My husband grew up in the same town all his life. He told me he was allowed to go out to eat lunch during high school.

Union High school did not allow that. I remember the first few months when i had to go eat in the cafeteria. Looking back – that was so stressful. Having no friends to eat in the cafeteria was rough. I remember sitting by myself at a table with kids I did not know the first few times.

I remember staring at the cool kids table and wishing I was there.

Friends were made, albeit slowly and awkwardly. I am grateful for the friends I made. I don’t think I was too nice to many of them over the years. I know they all struggled with growing up in a very awkward phase of life in a new country.

I came here in May 2004. May 12, 2004. (May 12 is my Husband’s birthday, he jokes that our coming to America day was the same)

I celebrate May 12 every year as the day my life changed forever.

There was one person who caught my eye, he was quiet. I heard he was smart. He played soccer.

I don’t remember the first time I got his AIM SN. But I remember talking to him on AIM. I asked about SATs. He was a year older than me in school. I heard he had a 730 on his SAT math. I was impressed and I asked a lot of questions to him.

I started seeing him in high school, in the hall ways. We said hi. We had a class right next to each other right before lunch. I remember the first time I said hi, the next time, I waited for him to come out of his class room. I think he was surprised I waited for him.

We talked on AIM. We played outside, in the park. I discussed taking SATs, I discussed AP chemistry. We blogged. Well, I blogged a lot, and then my friends started blogging too.

I was 15. I was crushing. I commented on his blog.

He occasionally commented on mine.

I don’t remember the first time we confessed we liked each other.

I think it happened on AIM.

I remember taking a trip to central park and watch Mama Mia on my 16th birthday with my ESL group. He came too.

I remember there being chemistry.

I think he knew he was going to Rutgers by this time.

I remember he would sit across from me in the cafeteria. Looking at each other from across the table was literally the best feeling in the world.

Our friends did not know.

It was innocent.

I went to the Bronx Zoo with him. My honors chemistry teacher, his AP chemistry teacher Ms. Broyer took us. I think we sat next to each other on the bus. I remember my hands being held. I loved the zoo. I was awkward around his friends, seniors in high school. Maybe he did not like that.

I am not sure what happened after that. He graduated high school. Got too cool for me. He went off to his summer program at Rutgers and then started classes in the fall. We didn’t talk much. I think things ended there.

I think I was heart broken my senior year, but I was busy myself. I had heard from him that pharmacists make a lot of money and that it was hard to get into pharmacy school.

I think this was about the extent of research I did into a profession that I went to 6 years of college for. I applied to pharmacy school at Rutgers University.

I did well in my SATs. Well enough for someone who had no idea what SATs were 6 months prior to taking them. Someone who never took a prep class. I got into Rutgers pharmacy, made the decision to go, without ever having been to Rutgers prior to that.

High school ended. I worked at the dollar store. I played with my friends. I think I started seeing him again that summer. I don’t remember when we started dating again, but we did. I remember there being a movie theatre in the city. We were talking on AIM again. It felt simple and pure. It felt good to be liked, it felt good to be loved. I was a broken person who found love.

I remember a Jose uncle who lead a prayer group. I remember an incident where his son figured out that me and this boy liked each other and said it out loud to everyone in the group.

My freshman year of college started. We were going strong, until we weren’t. My friends were his friends. Everyone in college knew we were dating.

I remember the break ups. We broke up a few times. It felt silly to break up. It felt silly to be together. Things were bad my sophomore year. I remember walking in the cold around campus thinking the cold was easier than the heart break.

I was taking organic chemistry the fall semester and barely passing.

I saw him with his friends quite often. Once during finals I saw him in the library with his friends.  I sat next to him and told him I missed him.

I found out later he was dating one of the friends he was sitting with that day. I was devastated. I was crying all the time. My friends did not know how to console me. I was heart broken. I lost the person I gave my whole heart to at such a young age. This was Fall 2007.

It got better with ice cream, girlfriends and comedy. It got better, but I was broken for so long. I moved on to new friends. But it always came back. The break up took me at least three years to fully recover from and be in a healthier state of mind.

I just wanted to be better than the sadness and the sense of loss. I appreciated my friendships. I found new people who took my mind to new heights through conversations and laughter and memories.

I genuinely grew as a person. I genuinely made and kept friends.

I lost some friends.

 I had some new heartbreak. In the fall of 2010, I told a new boy I liked him, but never had a chance haha. He said he did not feel the same way for me. It was a little awkward and difficult but it was okay. I think I was courageous and knew going in that I might not get the response I hoped to get. I was crushing, and wanted to know if I could ever be seen as more than a friend. My feelings came in the way of our friendship. Once I said it, and he said no, I felt no anger. I was able to maintain friendship and eventually it ended because I don’t know why.

Right after this, in January 2011, I met someone new. My best friend and roommate at the time thought I needed a boyfriend. i came back from the event where I met him and told her about him. She added him as my friend on facebook. I was openly mad at her but I was secretly grateful.

He sent me a message on facebook. We started talking. He was different from everything I knew. He was not the kind of person I thought I would end up with. He was nice to me. He was funny, his humor stood out the most.

We started dating in April 2011.

I kept walls, old fears arouse sometimes that I was going to experience heart break again. But he stood by me through time. We are opposites. I am a brash mess of a woman. He is put together and calm. I don’t think I will ever fully understand his upbringing and I don’t think he will ever fully understand mine because we are as different as we could be but we respect each other.

I graduated college.

Worked in hospital pharmacy for the most part. Got married in 2015. Had my daughter in 2018. Celebrated my 5 year anniversary in 2020. I now have a mother in law and a father in law and a sister in law and a brother in law. My sister got married and I now have another brother in law.

Life feels more mature now. I cant believe all these things have happened and I have simply come so far.

I know Chennai felt like the best time of my life. It possibly was, but this journey has been a blessing. I am grateful everyday for my daughter. I am grateful to be less broken now.

The memory of the past when I dwell in it is painful. I wished I never gave my heart away at that young age. I am grateful I had friends to go through it with. I fear my daughter will experience such things but know in my heart I will do my best to be there for her.

I think innocent love is so beautiful but so dangerous. It affects young minds and changes lives forever. I am not left with negative feelings for anyone but I do wish things happened differently. Here is an interesting study to be left with: https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2019/09/190906134007.htm

This study shows that teenagers who don’t date have less depression and are better adjusted.

I think I completely agree with this and understand why.

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