I like thinking about the past. I
do not keep in touch with too many people from the past, but for the most part,
I only remember the good times.
I have learned to be happy without
thinking much about how happy I am. This is the best thing about growing up.
I look forward to being home,
laughing at my husband’s jokes. I forget what it is like to be uncomfortable in
my own skin.
I continue to like talking to new
people. I like the friends I have. I enjoy sharing meals with my friends.
I will be honest, some things from
the past make me cringe. I wonder if I could have behaved better. Behave – it is
the kind of word parents use to talk about their children.
I think I always picked favorites
in a group of people. I have greatly enjoyed deep, engaging conversation with
some people.
Life has gotten progressively
better for me, not to say it hasn’t been without its fair share of challenges
and learning curves. I am grateful for my family. I look forward to the future.
I decided to re-write here because
I used to pour my heart out here in the most abstract ways possible.
There was a point for a long time
when someone showed me how vain I was, writing in my Blog about my abstract,
random thoughts. I always knew I did not matter in this big world, but I
enjoyed writing. I enjoyed hiding messages in my paragraphs that I could not
say directly to people.
At the end of the day, I think I
faced up to my feelings and thoughts and I was not a coward about it.
I sometimes worry that my
spontaneous, erratic nature will affect my current relationships. I fear loss,
caused by myself. I fear being uncool. I fear dressing poorly. I fear getting
fat. I fear my accent will show.
But the best thing I have learned
to do is to be as authentic and honest as possible while being genuinely
curious. I still find the nicest people in the crowd to talk to. I am still
able to connect with others on the most human level possible. I am loved by my
husband for who I am. I feel comfortable with my accent. I am able to be nicer
than people were to me.
There were a lot of people from the
past whose company I enjoyed. I have had many relationships that went sour, but
oddly enough, I want to keep in touch with people from the past. I still enjoy
the occasional conversation. We could never be the same again, but I can say it
has made me cry to talk to people from the past. I cannot dislike you or use
the word hate about our past lives. All I can say is that I learned a lot about
myself from the sourness of it all. I am able to be a better wife, daughter and
friend. I hope I have had a positive effect on your life as well.
